Clarity

I've been working, cycling, sleeping, camping, working, cycling, sleeping, camping, trying to write, working, cycling, sleeping in a treadmill that goes on and on for the last few months. I think I might be depressed. I certainly have a serious problem with my internal dialogue that I really must sort out. Time to take myself in hand again and force myself to think at least two good, positive things for each negative thing that pops into my head. I have a whacking great self-esteem problem that has been giving me serious grief (some people who know me will be surprised by this, but to some it will be no shock at all!).

I'm wondering if going to the doc's and getting some sort of happy pill might be a plan. I wonder how I'm going to cope now that the darker evenings are closing in.

I've not wanted to see or talk to people for months now. I do find though that sometimes doing what feels good in this regard helps my anxiety levels to reduce fantastically. Maybe I'm naturally just not very sociable. I wonder how my few friends put up with me, I must seem very callous and neglectful. I can't help it though.

After this post I'm going to make a serious effort. I'll make sure that I spend a few minutes before I go to sleep and before getting up in the morning thinking about nice things. I'll make my internal dialogue more positive and helpful instead of self-condemning and dour. I think I'll find that I have more energy if I do this. Maybe it's time for me to ask Ian to charge a nice stone for me and keep it with me as a comfort amulet.

Look at these, I'm such a wretch, these are the kind of things that I see when I commute each week on my bike. How can I possibly be depressed when I am so lucky?



I mean, honestly.



I stopped off in St Nicholas' Church (lovely old, old stone church) for a few minutes on the way home last week. It cleared my head nicely. I think I'll do that more often.